my husband is driving my daughter away10 marca 2023
My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. Sad. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Show interest in his interests. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. Hey, that kind of worked for me. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Ive been there. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. My parents listened to Oldies. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Up to a point. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. I know that we all love the music from our generation. Again, no. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! He is dedicated and hard-working. I never did the gross stuff either. Nope, not from Scranton. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! , temperance Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. 1. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? Your email address will not be published. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). Did my mother? bittergaymark , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. It cant be. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. Weird. It makes them feel safe. He's always putting him down. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. I have to just try harder.. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Or find something neutral. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. lets_be_honest Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. . I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. Great suggestion! No. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. He is also very critical of both of US Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Seriously? Dont let anyone else control your decisions. It struck me the wrong way, too. Game of Thrones? You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) I second this. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. But he can be a great dad regardless. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. Awesome. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. I think this is a great point. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. lets_be_honest Are you on Tumblr? I can't even. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Really not sure why I waited so long. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Of course its going to drive her away from him. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. He thinks it's ridiculous. I still think hes acting out like a child. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Cool! They loved it, I hated it. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. Do not let that behavior continue.
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